


Threesome

by using_this_name



Series: Crackity Crack [35]
Category: Supernatural, Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Crack, Drabble, Humor, I had way too much fun writing out the relationships, M/M, Polyamory Negotiations, Threesome - F/F/M, Threesome - M/M/M, but now you know what they all stand for sooooo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-01
Updated: 2013-06-01
Packaged: 2017-12-13 15:37:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/825924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/using_this_name/pseuds/using_this_name
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the stunning conclusion to a three fic arc of MetaCrackiness - beginning when our heroes Discovered Fanfiction, and moving through the subsequent Revenge!Fic - Sam, Dean and Castiel attempt to negotiate a threesome.  Given the vast amounts of threesome sex they have been taking part in, one would think this would be fairly simple...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Castiel:** Haven’t we done this before? About a million times?

**Sam:** I think the idea is that we should explore the threesome dynamic.

**Dean:** What does that even mean?

**Sam:**  Y’know, were two people together first? Did they want to experiment, or did they want to form a triad? Or was the third person feeling left out and pining? Or did they all sort of fall together at the same time? Maybe someone was hurt, and the other two offered comfort…

**Dean:** You’ve been reading fanfic, haven’t you?

**Sam:** No! I…um. Maybe. A little bit. What? Cas is actually a pretty good writer.

**Castiel:** Did you read that one where you and Dean are together, and you run into Gabriel and he makes you…

**Sam:** Oh my god! Yes! I totally forgot about that option. Sex pollen threesome! Also, that one was hot.

**Castiel:** Thanks!

**Dean:** I thought we promised not to be so meta any more!  You know it just gets confusing. And anyway, it’s only funny the first few times.

**Sam:** You’re right. Why don’t we just start the threesome? Maybe do a tried and true senario? How about, ‘Cas appears in the room, not realizing that Sam and Dean have kinky brotherly sex’?

**Dean:** How does that lead to anything but embarrassment?

**Cas:** Obviously, I find you irresistible and join in. And you worship my body. Haven’t you watched any lesbian porn?

**Sam:** Okay. Enough talk. Let’s do this.

**Castiel:** Technically, these are written dialogues. Everything is talk.

**Dean:** Stop being meta! Just say no!

**Sam:** And that isn’t even true. There’s a lot of non-dialogue! I’ll show you!

~flashback~

*Gabriel begins helping to tighten Castiel’s corset*

~end flashback~

*Castiel looks like he is about to speak, but Sam shushes him and beckons for him to watch*

~flashback~

*Castiel stomps off, as much as one can stomp off in full skirts and a corset, in search of tea*

~flash forward to slightly later that night~

~flashback~

*a gypsy caravan*

~end flashback~

~end flash forward~

~flashback to the future!~

**Dean:** That made no sense. And I’m pretty sure that last one was not only nonsensical, but also a terrible, terrible joke that you should be ashamed of.

**Sam:** Fine! Let’s forget it ever happened and have sex so Cas can walk in on us.

**Dean:** Right! Take your pants off!

**Cas:** *appearing* Dean, I was…OH!!! I am SO surprised to see you two having HOT and KINKY _BROTHERLY_ sex. May I join you?!?

**Sam:** I think you’re overselling it.

**Dean:** Yeah. The leaping in the air was really unnecessary. As was the clutching your face and whatever that was with your eyes.

**Cas:** It was surprise!

**Sam:** It looked like that time Dean spent three hours convinced he had the Force, he just needed to concentrate a little harder.

**Dean:** THAT NEVER HAPPENED!

**Sam:** Whatever you say.

**Dean:** And besides, that pie looked delicious.

**Sam:** Right. Anyway, Cas, try to act a little more natural.

**Cas:** Well, it’s really hard to act surprised. I mean, I would have to be a complete moron or intentionally misleading myself to ever believe you two were not copulating _all_ the time.

**Dean:** Maybe we could try something else?

**Sam:** How about you two are a couple, and I’m secretly pining to be included, but I don’t think I’m worthy, because I drank demon blood and stuff?

**Dean:** Cool.

*Sam pines.*

**Cas:** Oh! You are so adorable and sad! Don’t be sad, Samuel! Whatever it is, I’ll fix it! Here, do you want a puppy?

*Sam rolls his eyes*

**Cas:** Oh! That was you starting the thing, wasn’t it?

**Sam:** Yup.

**Cas:** Oops.


	2. Chapter 2

_Then…_

**Sam:**  How about you two are a couple, and I’m secretly pining to be included, but I don’t think I’m worthy, because I drank demon blood and stuff?

 **Dean:**  Cool.

*Sam pines.*

 **Cas:**  Oh! You are so adorable and sad! Don’t be sad, Samuel! Whatever it is, I’ll fix it! Here, do you want a puppy?

_Now…_

**Dean:**  We should do something else. You know we’re both helpless to resist your puppy eyes.

 **Sam:**  Can we keep the puppy?

 **Dean:**  No.

*Sam looks sad*

 **Dean:**  Fine! Fine! Here’s the puppy!

 **Sam:**  Yay! Okay. What else can we try?

 **Dean:**  You and Cas are together, and  _I’m_  pining?

…

*they all laugh*

 **Sam:**  This may be crack fic, but that is way too unbelievable.

 **Dean:**  Fine. What other options are there?

 **Cas:**  Two of us go out and find a random meaningless hook up?

 **Dean:**  Sounds easy enough. And hey, I’ve been wanting to get to know Sterek, ‘cause you guys keep talking about him. Maybe it could be a crossover?

 **Sam:**  Sterek is not a person.

 **Dean:**  That’s not very nice! I’m sure even though he’s a ‘teen wolf’ he is just as human as me or you!

 **Sam:**  What?

 **Cas:**  Um. Dean. I think you are confused. Sterek is not a person, it’s a relationship. Between two different people. And the ‘teen wolf’ is someone else entirely. Scott. Stiles and Derek are secondary characters.

 **Dean:**  Really? Wow. That is not what the Internet led me to believe at all. I thought Scott was the weirdly straight best friend. And Sterek was a teen wolf who had lots and lots of kinky gay sex.

 **Sam:**  If it’s any consolation, that last bit is true. But you know, not in the show. It’s just fangirls who think everyone is having gay sex all the time.

 **Dean:**  Wait! Is that true of other shows, too? Like, John and Sherlock? Dean and Tristan? Sam and Frodo? Kurt and Blaine?

 **Sam:**  Well, Kurt and Blaine were really together. They might be again. I don’t really keep track of that show anymore.

 **Dean:**  Nooooo! I ship Kurtbastian!

 **Sam:**  Also, did you say Dean and Tristan? As in Gilmore Girls?

 **Dean:**  Whatever! Chad Michael Murray is hot!

 **Sam:**  Hey!

 **Cas:**  It’s okay. The character that looks almost exactly like you was going through an awkward phase, Sam. Plus, his arc was terrible after he got married and stuff…

 **Sam:**  Not the point! And he didn’t just  _look_  like me!  How do you think I put myself through college?

 **Dean:**  Whatever! Can we focus on how  _my_  world is falling apart?!?

 **Sam:**  Why do you even care?!? You clearly haven’t watched any of these things!! Who reads fanfiction without watching the show? CRAZY PEOPLE, THAT’S WHO!

 **Dean:**  WELL AT LEAST I DON’T SHIP PEOPLE WITH STUPID COMBINED NAMES! I BET YOU SHIP BRANGELINA TOO! AND FUFFY! AND SWAISY! AND JAM! AND CHAIR! AND DRAPERY! AND, AND, AND…

 **Sam:**   QUIET. You are scaring Sprinkles.

 **Dean:**   YOU NAMED OUR PUPPY SPRINKLES?!?

*Sam looks sad*

 **Dean:**  Okay.  Fine.  Name him whatever you want.  Do you want this pie?

 

**Epilogue:**

*zoom out to Young Mary, Jess, and Garth.*

 **Jess:**  Wow. They are really terrible at threesomes.

 **Garth:**  Well, ladies, wanna show them how it’s done?

 **Jess:**  Sure. Wanna do it lesbian porn style?

 **Garth:**  That’s always a crowd pleaser.

 **Mary:**  Okay. I’ll come back in in 5 minutes. Will that be enough time to get into it?

 **Garth:**  Sure! Act surprised. But not with the jumping and the capslock.

 **Mary:**  Can do.

*she leaves*

 **Jess:**  Take off your pants!

 **Garth:**  *removing his pants* I see Sam has a type. Do you also do that thing with pie? ‘Cause I’m allergic to tree nuts.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want updates as they happen, follow me on tumblr, where I am going by using-this-name (with dashes instead of underscores).
> 
> I would also LOVE any prompts that you would like to send me on tumblr. Any pairing, or any trope. It may take some time for me to get to it, but I promise that anything you send, I will at least try to fill. :)


End file.
